Seven

Seven years ago I became a mother, for the first time. I’m not sure how you went from the a scrawny, ashy 7 lb baby to a 7 year old star wars loving, video game obessed boy. A boy who’s head touches my shoulders. At seven. Every year, I write these letters to you. Every year I amazed at your capacity to think and reason. But this year, I’m amazed at not only your capacity to love but your capacity and to move forward. This year, I am learning from you.

Its been another hard year for you.. Its started normal enough, but then we had some family issues, we had the horrible break in and then of course our beloved SMDog had to say good bye. These are hard issues you’ve had to deal with. You’ve forgiven these people for the harm they’ve done you with. You did this not blindly but after careful consideration. You asked very hard questions to try and understand why things happen. This ability to try to understand another persons perspective amazes me. You’re 7 and have more empathy than many adults I know.  You stick by your family, making sure your little sisters and cousins are involved in your birthday. Going so far as to share your birthday with your sister.

Yet you’re not a pushover. As easy going and laid back as you are, you will not be pushed into doing something you don’t want to do. You have a quiet determination that both excites and terrifies me. You will do what you want.

I hope you maintain your empathy through your life. You’re always this sympathetic, that life and the world doesn’t jade you. Happy 7th birthday monkey. I love you

 

What if love isn’t enough?

In the >6 yrs that I’ve been a mom to monkey and the >1.5 yrs I’ve been a mom to two animals, I’ve made lots of mistakes. I’ve raised my voice when I shouldn’t have, ignored the signs of on coming flus, put my science ahead of my kids. I am not the mom that has amazing birthday parties for my kids, has an awesomely decorated home for halloween or who would rather be a stay at home mom than a working mom. I’ve always thought that was OK.

Its wasnt’ the amount of time I spend with my kids or how little I raised my voice that mattered it was that I when I was with them, I was engaged.

What mattered was that my kids know how much I love them. I tell them everyday, multiple times a day. I chase them around to give them hugs and kisses.

But I also have to leave them to their own devices for a weekend so that I can mark 71 papers in 2 days, only vaguely pay attention to them because I have to buy a car and need to figure out how to get a decent one as cheaply as possible. I have convinced myself this is OK because love conquers all.

What if it doesn’t? A young child, a child, from monkeys gymnastics class passed away few weeks ago. From the cryptic messages we’ve received from the gymnastics studio its clear the death was unexpected and not accidental.  This broke my heart. I knew this child. I have spoken to hir mom. I have witnessed this mom speak to her child and about her child. It was clear that she loved her child fiercely. She was her childs strongest ally / advocate.

Yet it wasn’t enough. S/he still chose to end her own life. A child, not yet a teenager chose to end hir life.

It broke my heart. If this mother, who I admired for the way she could communicate with and support her child, could not protect her child from whatever demons had hir choose death over life, what hope do I have?

Monkey is a sensitive boy. He feels it intensely when I correct him or when I am absent because of work. Mr.SM may have a heart of gold and may have the best of intentions when he wakes up every morning; He is not the A parent. As wandering scientist noticed for herself, I too am my children refuge. What if I am not enough? Mental illness is a scary beast of a disease and can affect children. I do not know how protect my kids from an illness I can not see.

 

S.I.X.

My Dearest little monkey,

Today you are S.I.X. in a few minutes it will be exactly 6 years since you were literally sucked out of me.

You are an amazing young boy. I look at your little sister and I have these vague recollections of you.  You being a mischievous little imp, one that broke out of daycare and tried jumping out windows. A crazy active little boy who would not let me sit down. That boy is still in you, is see it in the way you play with bear. Now I also see the young man you are becoming.

You are kind.  You are the  person  who can ski in more challenging terrain than his friends, but stays with them because “we stay with our friends mommy”. You are empathetic..  When you accidentally hurt your sister, you’re ususally more upset than she is. And its not because you’re scared of getting in trouble.
You are sensitive. This has been something new I”m learning this past year. You are not only very aware of what is being said about or to you. You are very aware of how other people are treated. You almost always strive to be kind and nice to everyone. To be friends with the person who is mean, because “they’re still learnng to use their words”
You are goofy. You come by your nickname honestly, because you never miss a chance to be silly or goofy. You make everyone around you smile.

Most of all my love, you are an amazing big brother. The way Bear lights up when she sees you and how well you manage her constant need to be around you is amazing. She want to do whatever you’re doing and be where ever you are. It is not easy to have a mini-me. I know you get frustrated and hide from her sometimes. But most days you light up just as much as she does. You are so gentle with her. You are amazingly patient.

Five was a hard year for you.  I often wonder if keeping you home with me was the right thing to do. Whether I short-changed you are not. I often wonder if I’m doing the right thing by being in school instead of focusing on you. I’m so tired all the time, or managing your sister that I don’t get lots of 1 on 1 time with you. I miss that. I know you miss that too, but what makes me cry the most is that you would never trade your sister for more time with me. You can’t wait to have her come home with us.

These letters are getting harder to write every year. Every year I have to think back to how much you’ve grown. How much you’ve gone from being my little baby boy to my boy. How quickly you’re becoming a young man. I hope you know how much I love you. How much I want to keep you safe in arms forever.

Happy 6th Birthday Monkey. I LOVE YOU