Bad Mom Moment

9 09 2010

I lost my cool today. For the first time in >3.5 years, I screamed and yelled at my child. I used foul language. He was shaking he was so scared.

As I look back at it, hours later I can see all the places I went wrong and keep wondering what the fuck happened to me?

I know why I was mad. He locked the washroom stall door. I told him to open it and he refused. I could see him sitting on the toilet, pants off jacket still curling under his bum. I knew what was going to happen.
I asked him to unlock the door. He refused.
Then he couldn’t get his jacket off. He knew poopoo was coming but wouldn’t open the door. I refused to crawl underneath. What is that teaching him about listening and consequences? I believe that was the right thing to do.

The wrong thing was losing it when he threw his jacket out, with the inside smeared with poo. Seriously what was the big deal? We’d take it home and wash it. Looking back, I should’ve said, you made your jacket dirty because you didn’t unlock the door like I asked. Now we’re leaving the park to go home.

Instead, I got mad. I yelled at, told him to open the door. He said No I’m going poo poo. For some reason, I LOST it. I yelled at him to open the God Damn fucking door now. I had never screamed or sworn when I talked to him before.

Poor kid started crying because the poo fell into his underwear, because I was mad, because we had to go home. It was horrible. Apparently my sister heard him outside. I feel so bad. I don’t know what happened to me. I rarely yell, let alone scream. I hate yelling and screaming.

We got home and I cleaned him up. I apologized for getting mad. I explained that I was really really frustrated because I knew the jacket was going to get stuck and was really upset that he didn’t open the door when I asked. Still I scared the shit out of him and myself.

I know he’ll be fine. I know he knows how much I love him and every one has there moments. However, I’ve been trying really hard to be the level headed, calm, rational mom I never had.

UGH. I might sleep in his big boy bed with him tonight. more for myself then him..




17 responses

9 09 2010
Maggie May
9 09 2010
9 09 2010
9 09 2010
9 09 2010
9 09 2010
Amanda@Lady Scientist
9 09 2010
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13 12 2011
Zen, where the hell are you! « ScientistMother: raising replicates

[…] lost my mommy zen. Its gone and I have no idea how to get it back. It started last September and its like there has been a slow drip ever since.  Something about my boy sets my blood […]

13 12 2011

I empathise. Up until this last year I thought that I was doing OK as a father; this year I am finding myself clenching fists-having to leave or just screaming way, way, way too often. The combination of sullen 9 year-old proto-teenager and tantrumming 3 year-old is just getting too much.

One scream in many years? You’re way, way, way ahead of the curve.

13 12 2011

Ewan – welcome to the blog. I’ve had more than one moment and I feel like they’re coming more often. What really got to me today was the realization the I was blaming monkey for my reaction – which isn’t fair

14 12 2011

My mom still tells me the story of when I was about your son’s age and for whatever reason she was very angry at me and apparently started to move like she was going to come after me and I guess I ran away and started crying. And she felt so bad and so guilty and realized she needed to be careful. My end point is, I don’t remember any of this! It did not negatively impact my growing up! My mom’s guilt is actually greater than my memory of her ever being too angry or too physically threatening. Plenty of other incidences of other family members where the anger was more physical (and i was not abused by any means) come to mind. You’re allowed to lose your cool. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

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